Mike Warner

From Walkypedia!

Mike Warner

First Appearance: Roomies! April 16, 1999

YOB: 1979

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 160 lbs

Squadron(s): 128, 82

Relatives: George Warner (father), Mrs. Warner (mother), Amber O'Malley (fiancé)

Mike Warner is an asshole. That pretty much sums it up. No one really knows why he acts this way. He has described himself as "whatever you don't want me to be." [1]

An abductee, Mike worked as a SEMME agent defending the world against alien invasions until the government agency's dissolution. His abductee powers have never been clearly specified, but they do include endurance and enhanced strength (or at least unnatural throwing ability), which is common among the abductees. His ability to piss people off, though, is natural.

He died (valiantly) defending the world and your mom from the Martian Invasion in 2004, but apparently even death couldn't stop him, and in 2005 fellow SEMME agent Robin found him working at the toy store Shortpacked! right after she was hired there herself.

Contents 1 History 2 SEMME 3 Shortpacked! 4 Trivia

History

As a kid, Mike wished he could choke people with his mind like Darth Vader, [2] a childhood dream he never truly abandoned. [3] He also supposedly trained a fleet of squirrels to mate with a five-year-old girl's mom at said girl's birthday party upon some foggy, long-forgotten day.

Although it is not clear what religion Mike belongs to, apparently his religion involves the sacrifice of dogs. [4] Or at least he likes to pretend his religion involves the sacrifice of dogs.

Every Halloween Mike does something extremely offensive. He later dressed as the original Saddam Hussein and gave the aforementioned dog a fake beard (Osama bin Doggie), and he has also dressed for Halloween as the first Big Boss. Generally, Mike's year-round actions are worse than his Halloween ones, if less extravagant.

SEMME

Mike was first seen in 1999 working for SEMME [5], an organization dedicated to saving the earth and killing aliens. Lots of them. A Squadron 128 member, he was always the resident asshole, except when drunk - then his personality reverses, and he becomes polite, gentle and respectful. He seemed to particularly enjoy insulting Walky and Joyce over everyone else, though this may have something to do with them generally being the most important characters.

He has (had?) a sort of friendship with Jason Chesterfield and they are (were?) at least drinking buddies. It is unknown how exactly he considers Jason when sober, but Mike seems less hostile with him than usual. They are frequently shown walking together, though they seem to speak little. According to Jason, Mike makes "a great friend when he's drunk" [6]. Another reason may be that, when compared to the rest of the squad, Mike is the closest thing to mature, intelligent, guy-to-guy conversation Jason has.

Apart from Jason, Dina Sarazu was the closest thing Mike could call a friend (not that he would ever say so out loud). Mike first seemed to view Dina as the perfect target - insecure, socially inept, and extremely self-critical - but it turned out that she was so oblivious that she just accepted his insults. Though Mike verbally attacked her at any given opportunity, Dina used their conversations to learn more about herself and to try to work on her faults (keyword: try).

Mike seemed to genuinely (if secretly) like Dina, almost smiling when she hugged him and taking her to the museum. He visited her apartment frequently [7] [8], even after she kept him drunk for an extended period of time [9], much to his chagrin [10] [11]. He later slept with her, possibly in response to her keeping him drunk, and left in the morning, destroying her last shred of confidence. Joyce theorized that Dina "defeated" Mike because she managed to garner an emotional reaction from him without alcohol - he was humiliated and angry that she had used him and exposed his nicer side [12]. Of course, whether Mike had any real feelings for Dina or if he just used her is all still debated.

Dina's death actually touched Mike more than anything else to that point [13]. That and Walky's guilt trip reaction may have turned him into even more of an asshole. Walky blamed Mike for Dina's death (mostly out of jealousy that Dina liked Mike better, as revealed later in his apology) and beat him within an inch of his life. After these incidents, Mike transferred to Squadron 82, swapping squads with Robin DeSanto. Mike later suggested to Joe that he fell in love with Dina, but this is reasonably doubted.

In 2004, Mike died during the Martian Invasion saving Joyce's life. [14] After his death, he appeared in "purgatory" alongside Walky, Dina and many other definitively-dead characters. [15] Mike's fellow SEMME agents searched for two months for any scrap of Mike's DNA that they could use to resurrect him in the Martian Resurrection Chamber [16] that Joe built after the invasion.

Shortpacked!

However, in January of 2005, Mike inexplicably reappeared, very much alive and working in the Shortpacked! toy store[17], possibly due to the First Law of Resurrection. His resurrection is completely unexplained and seemingly impossible with the technology usually employed in the Walkyverse to bring people back to life. [18] Mike has vaguely implied that the owner and manager of the Shortpacked! store, Galasso, might have something to do with his resurrection.

Mike works now for Shortpacked! in retail and frequently demonstrates to his coworkers how delusional they are about themselves and the world around them. Or he will just, you know, physically and/or mentally hurt anyone with or without reason. To no surprise, he is in fact the one who inspired Galasso to create the Customer Protection Rackets system.[19] Mike was the first one to suspect Ethan was gay[20] and the one who made him realize it.[21] Through hook and crook, he is the best CPR seller.

Since he started working at Shortpacked!, only two things have been seen to visibly affect Mike: someone who was (or acted) oblivious to his insults [22], and the death of Tony the Tiger, which saddened him to the point of not bodily harming a child who was enjoying ice cream [23].

Mike later somehow shows up in bed next to both Ethan and Amber. Er, simultaneously. It is later explained that this is a massive plot to overexceed Robin's demands for a "greatest hits" crotchkick to negate the "summer slump." Mike, at least supposedly, slept with Ethan and Amber while they were drunk, and also got Faz to rub sensual lotion on Ethan as a contrived way to make Ethan and Amber hate each other. It also damages Robin, since now Mike and possibly Faz have also slept with Ethan when she hasn't.

The moral of this story: never ask Mike for anything. Ever. Unless you use liberal amounts of alcohol.

In recent events, Amber discovered that Mike has been drinking to work a job at McAwesome's Parasailing and Chocolate Bakery. She used this to bribe her way into dating Mike - the real Mike (and by that we mean sober!Mike). Their first date was spent strangling lobsters and throwing rocks at seals.

Amber finds their craziness hot, rather than complete ignorance on her part, as Ethan sees it. He's probably just jealous with no Premarital Hanky-Panky of his own.

In the current story, Amber planed a trip to New York with Mike. After a minor argument with Galasso (who hired Kirk Cameron for the weekend) and Ethan's recent Transformers Wiki Ramblings, she got the requested time off. She even black-mailed him into going by threatening to give his mom his cell phone number. While they were away, Robin and Ethan were talking about them behind his back with Jacob. After the cliffhanger, we realize that his parents were the exact opposite from him. His mom has an obsession with baking cookies. His mom even stuffed some in Amber's purse and slipped some in her back pockets. We also find out that his room is decorated with teddy bear wallpaper. During a talk with his parents, they tell Amber that they knew about him fighting in the war, dying, and coming back because he visited them five years ago. That night, he reminds her that their relationship is really a sham. The next day his parents show them around New York. But then the Giant Mutant Frosted Honey Bun attacks New York. This causes him to offer to let her in on the his past. She takes his hand stating that this is why she prefers to date boys on IRC chat. They finally get help from a special team lead by Jason himself. While he doesn't seem surprised to see his old bud back alive, he doesn't really give any clarification on the matter. Still he lure at amber that blackmail might actually not be the reason Mike stays with her. Tough whether or not this is a good news remain to be seen.

Trivia

• Mike's character is inspired by Willis' friend in fifth grade, Jason Michael Warner. He was very friendly and always smiled.
• David Willis had planned to reveal a back story for Mike which involved the Giant Mutant Frosted Honey Bun tearing through New York. However, after 9/11 Willis postponed it and eventually dropped it completely. In the current storyline about eight years later, Willis is finally revealing Mike's back story.
• According to Ethan, Mike is the hottest guy in the store.[24]
• Mike starred with Bart O'Ryan in the cult comic Lawsome.
• He might be left-handed, right-handed or ambidextrous.
• Mike has done your mom for a nickel. So has everyone else.
• Mike is musically inclined and can play the violin, but he only does so to be a jackass.
• Mike got wood when Amber chased-off David Willis and Maggie for celebrating their dating anniversary while Amber couldn't speak to her internet-boyfriend. This suggests that, much like Chuck Norris, the only thing that turns on Mike is Mike, or rather, an asshole equal to himself - which is rare.
• No thanks to Ultra Car's jealousy, he was dropped in the Amazon with Ethan. They traveled from the Amazon, through Mexico, and the Deep South to Botcon 08. Because they travelled through the Deep South, they were dressed in Confederate soldier uniforms upon arrival. And because he was also wearing a fake beard, Joe probably didn't recognise him.
• When he finally returned to Shortpacked!, he was dressed as Marion Ravenwood. Since he didn't look happy at this, exactly how Ethan managed to force him into the dress is unclear.
• When Mike gathered his things to move into the new house Robin bought, all he brought was a lamp, some type of clothes or linens, and a picture. Although it's mostly blocked by his arm/chest, you can easily spy Dina's hat in the photo. [25]
  • Of course, this is later shown to be a picture of Bob Denver, which is apparently a trophy he stole from Walky. Although wild speculation raged on the forums about everything from Mike hiding Dina's picture underneath Denver's to Mike having fourth-wall-bending mindscrew abilities just to piss off fans, no one stopped to wonder how he recovered the picture, seeing as he was dead for some time and his possessions would have presumably been moved/sold/lost/misc.
    • His parents revealed in 2009 that they had been keeping all his stuff in his room untouched as a memorial to him after news of his death broke. Mystery solved.