Galasso
From Walkypedia!
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| Galasso |
| First Appearance: Shortpacked! 17 January 2005 |
| YOB: ???? |
| Height: ???? |
| Weight: ???? |
| Relatives: Conquest (daughter) |
Galasso is the manager of Shortpacked!. He runs the store and controls its employees with an iron fist and a demeanor typical of megalomaniac comic book villains, particularly Ra's al Ghul. His desire for power extends to conquering the entire world. Everyone has worked for a Galasso in their own life. Like many managers, he seems to not know or not care about things most people would take for granted - like how human reproduction works, why you shouldn't touch broken glass, or what are good business practices.
History
Galasso's background is a complete cypher. He has a daughter he named Conquest, presumably named for his love of the concept and occasionally nick-named "Connie", whom he doesn't hesitate to use in his plans. Presumably he is divorced or widowed, unless Connie is some kind of clone. (Ew.) He most likely has connections to an advanced technological field.
Upon hearing that "bringing back anything from the 80s is money in the bank" Galasso introduces the formerly deceased former president Ronald Reagan as the newest member of the Shortpacked! team. It is unknown how Galasso brought back the Gipper but speculation that Galasso also was responsible for Mike's return from the dead indicates that Galasso used a process other than the Martian Resurrection Chamber. Regardless of method, he was willing to tamper with life and death in the name of profit.
Shortpacked! faces stiff competetion from Wal*Mart, Target, and Toys "R" Us due to the large chains' ability to price their toys lower than Shortpacked! In order to compete, specifically with Wal*Mart, Galasso introduces the program of Customer Protection Rackets to increase profits. He drew inspiration for his insurance plan by witnessing Mike extort money from Amber. He bases personnel decisions around the amounts of CPRs sold by each employee. Following the holiday season Sydney Yus was fired and Faz became a full-time employee due to their CPR sales. When Ethan later claimed to be Shortpacked!'s best employee Galasso points to Mike as being the best employee because Mike sold the most CPRs. Galasso is blind to the negative effect that CPRs exert on the customer service of Shortpacked! which was previously the store's strength.
Galasso is not above using slanderous language against his competitors. He claims the the big chains are conspiring to destroy the American family in order to sway a customer to continue shopping at Shortpacked! He also is willing to cash in on the controversy stirred by Pat Robertson (Wikipedia) over the use of "Happy Holidays" by other retailers to his own benefit. [1] While religious pundits decried Wal*Mart and Target's elimination of "Merry Christmas", Galasso used this opportunity to specifically attract religious individuals by using Christian signs and images. Faz, presumably under Galasso's instruction, claims that Jesus sacrificed himself so the customer could get a deal on Yu-Gi-Oh cards.
Galasso also, quite ominously destroyed the Drama Tag. What could he be planning?
The inevitability of death and his advancing age fueled him to produce an heir by Conquest. [2]. Not himself, of course. That would be gross. He only saw Conni as a tool for producing an heir, ignoring her great achievements. Ethan was his greatest hope to be the father of the "perfect heir", until Ethan turned out to be gay.
Shortly after this plan derailed Glasso penned the Tome of the Ages in an attempt to force Toys "R" Us to bend to his will (despite signing his own name to it, the employees would still act surprised when he admitted he wrote it). Upon Ethan's homosexual revelation Galasso fired him for not giving his seed to Conni. He also revised the Apocrypha of Faz into the Gospel of Faz to help cover for the problems in his plan caused by Ethan leaving. And also to make it not so... Fazerific. After Faz made unauthorized "new revelations" Galasso confronted Faz only to be attacked by Ninja Rick. Following the commotion surrounding Faz's insubordination, Galasso became bored of his plot, revealing that he no longer needed the Tome because he'd already bought Toys "Я" Us for a nickel.
In his quest for a heir, Galasso has shown himself to be both gender- and species-blind, much in the same way that Stephen Colbert is colorblind.
Upon his death Galasso wishes to be stuffed and mounted in the managers' area.
